


close (but never close enough)

by halbermarco



Category: Laid Bare by P.B., Original Work
Genre: 4+1 Things, Canon Compliant, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, Genderqueer Character, Getting Together, Other, The Surveillant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 14:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14451546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halbermarco/pseuds/halbermarco
Summary: By no means is a woman like Darwyn speechless. Words are what come easy to her, eloquence a skill she values even above her charisma. It’s funny how every thought about Youri dies on her lips before she can give voice to it – every word of gratitude, every murmur of affection, every declaration of love.Four perspectives on a relationship beginning to blossom and the one time it's in full bloom.





	close (but never close enough)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elu/gifts).



**Filias**

Tus supposes that, once all comes together it also comes down to her.

Without her, they wouldn’t have started that stupid mission to begin with – therefore, without her, it should have taken them days to find Darwyn at the old warehouse, if they were to cross its path at all, really. Not to mention the fact that neither Brenan nor Youri would even be in Domisk if it wasn’t for Tus’ reckless and impulsive behavior.

Once they made sure her father’s mission was completed, a chain of events started: Darwyn took them to her ship, the general in chains trailing helplessly behind her – not that he could do anything else but pout like a little boy when one of his eyes was swollen shut because of Tus, while the other one just wouldn’t stop tearing up. Her knuckles are still aching from the blow.

Of course, aside from sabotaging their entire organization, the general took it upon himself to sabotage their ship’s communication system – so much, even Tus started to lack faith in it ever working again. The task was hers, nonetheless. There wasn’t anything else to be done, anyway. Besides, she couldn’t deny Brenan’s whispered request even if she tried, which, these days, she wouldn’t ever dream of doing.

She was far beyond complaining about doing manual work; after all, she could count herself lucky – working on something practical, something familiar beneath her fingers distracted her. For once, all these horrible thoughts cursing around her head were replaced with the resourceful mind of her inner mechanic, a part of her personality she had feared to have left in the past. Recent developments would force her to make decisions in a matter of hours – but for now, she had this. No unknown or uncertain future lying ahead of her, only tools in a metal box she has known how to use since she could barely stand on her own two feet.

It didn’t take her too long to finish her work, though, to her dismay. And seeing as catching up with her best friend didn’t seem to be her priority anymore, Brenan joined her side almost immediately, ushering her away from everybody else to “take a walk and talk”.

Tus should have declined her offer on the spot, closed off and kept her distance as she had planned all those months ago – after all, without her, the inevitable wouldn’t have happened. Without her, Brenan wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

So, yes: it all really comes down to her. Even the hectic movements around the small space of the ship, clearly not fit for six people all at once. Even the way Darwyn is crouching over Brenan’s body, trying to help her stay conscious, pleading almost.

Tus is stood there in a numb daze, her lips a bloody mess from the nervous bites she has given them over the course of the past minutes. Everyone else doesn’t pay much attention to her, so she kind of steals herself away into the shadows and watches from there.

She doesn’t know how much time goes by until Darwyn stands up, glaring at Tus, spitting at her face, “This is your fault.”

She doesn’t deny those accusations, doesn’t even attempt a defense because she knows that it’s true – for the first time in forever, she regrets everything she did to arrive at this point in her life. Because reality is harsher when you have to face it head-on instead of running away from it – and right now, every decision has caught up to her, crushing down onto her in one giant mess.

If it weren’t for Youri suddenly appearing between Darwyn and herself, Tus would have crumbled beneath Darwyn’s piercing stare. Youri doesn’t reach to either of their shoulders, though they do their best to level Darwyn with an equally dangerous glare.

“She couldn’t have known what was going to happen,” Youri reasons, entirely too calm for this situation and their personality. With the days behind them looming over them like a demonic creature waiting to bring bad luck, it’s a wonder to see Youri holding up like this. Not many lose their father in such tragic circumstance and get up not two days later, stronger than ever.

Perhaps all this time, Tus has underestimated them, thought they were weaker because they were still behaving like a child. Now, they present themselves in a new light, like a force to be reckoned with, as they challenge Darwyn to put all the blame on Tus.

Reality, Tus realizes in that moment, is made up of more than her own perspective, and expands to the hidden capabilities of the people around her. Less hidden if she just looks hard enough – Tus has done wrong by Youri, another deed committed among too many others. She hopes to make it up to them one day.

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Darwyn counters, unable to take her eyes off the small figure in front of her. Her glare doesn’t soften in the slightest. “What with all the shit going on so far, half of which she is responsible for.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, if by shit you mean saving your ungrateful ass, then yes, I agree. Stupid thing to do,” Youri bites back, eyebrows curling into a frown. Darwyn scoffs, but Youri doesn’t let her take the floor just yet.

“You have no idea what Filly has done for us these past few months. How much she sacrificed in order for us to be save. You don’t get to judge her by one unlucky circumstance!”

At that, Darwyn is beside herself, and yells, “Do you see her lying there?” Her arms gesture behind herself to where Brenan is neatly positioned on a small bench, now barely awake, Terri tending to her. “I couldn’t fucking care less about what she did for you, from what I see it is all useless because my best friend is hurt! And all we can do about it, is sit it out and hope for the best!?”

Youri doesn’t even flinch, “her wound does not appear to be fatal, we can sti—”  
“Oh, grow up and face reality, you fucking _child_ ,” Darwyn explodes. “What happened to Brenan is inexcusable and however you want to twist the past, or however you want your precious Tuskgon to look good here: I don’t fucking _care_ , it doesn’t matter! Because either way, it is her doing that Brenan is—that she is—” Darwyn trails off, an angry sound escaping her as she turns away. Youri is on her heels faster than Tus can look, and soon they’re outside in the light of the setting sun – Tus finds its peaceful nature almost ironic.

Tus can only watch from the entrance as Youri and Darwyn spit insults at each other, both erratic at getting their points across. It’s not until Tus hears, “I won’t let you insult me, or my sister, like that,” that it really hits her why Youri is defending her.

And she stops and turns around to watch Brenan shift uncontrollably, a feverish sweat breaking out on her forehead. A distressed and visibly trembling Terri is trying to cool Brenan’s forehead with a wet piece of cloth, leaving it there to fetch some water for Bren.

As she looks at Terri walking down the corridor, a frustration grows in Tus’ stomach, one that hasn’t stopped clawing at it ever since Tus got to know the person who managed to be there for Youri when Tus wasn’t. The entire time they’ve been travelling together, despite her awareness, Tus has done nothing to rectify that. She couldn’t even keep them safe.

It all comes down to her, and the undeniable reality that she is the real danger to their lives.

A decision is already made for her when she steps out into the heat of the argument. Tus fears she’s leaving an even bigger one behind.

 

**Darwyn**

 

They get back to the Surveillant safe and in one piece. How they do it is beyond Darwyn, but she is not in the mood to question the existence of any higher power watching over them. Although, with the chaos that’s been surrounding her lately, maybe it would be wise to take it into consideration.

Brenan is rushed to the infirmary as soon as their ship touches ground, and Darwyn feels a stone drop from her heart as she sees several medics around her. Youri follows them like a puppy follows its mother, and it seems to be the most natural thing to them – like they feel obligated to make sure that Brenan is okay. Darwyn wants to go after them, and for some strange reason it surpasses the need to be with her best friend.

But her eager steps are stopped by questions, and she is sent away to investigation and it’s now that she remembers what happened at the warehouse – how they had come there to save the local people from Empside’s growing grip on Domisk, how the general knocked her out as soon as they stepped inside and then, how she woke up to a stranger beating up the general, clearly aware of the fact that he was the bad guy.

Darwyn doesn’t mention much about her, only the essentials, really – she doesn’t know more than her name and what happened because of it, but keeps the bandits to herself. This would ensue a series of complications that can be avoided.

They didn’t like each other, that much was obvious, and yet, what Youri said to her really struck a chord. The circumstances of Brenan’s injury were unfortunate, almost too surreal so soon after their reunion – maybe Darwyn had overreacted by putting full blame on Tus. From what she could see when they parted, Tus was a woman with a shell too hard to crack – someone who had let people in despite that and paid much for it by leaving them too soon.

Darwyn didn’t agree with how things went down in the end. But neither did Youri. It was the reasonable request of a long-lost sibling for their sister to stay, but Darwyn wasn’t stupid – she knew that Youri pleaded with Tus to stay with Brenan, as well. Though neither of them said a word about it, Darwyn noticed a curious sort of intimacy between Tus and Brenan, so unlike their own dynamic.

Upon realizing, she had given voice to her concerns, stopping an already retreating figure in her tracks. “You’ll break her heart,” Darwyn had said.

At the sound of her voice, Tus had turned around one last time and, to Darwyn’s surprise, given a rueful smile, “a broken heart is something she can fix. But death… death is a little trickier than that.”

Youri had told her that it was a common thing with Tus – to leave when the situation turned dire, to run from problems that needed to be faced. But instead of being mad at their sister, they appeared as the epitome of serenity – Darwyn figured that, in a weird way, Youri was able to relate to Tus and reached a state of cold acceptance, eyes trained forward because looking back meant pain you would rather ignore.

Darwyn must admit: she finds that fascinating, if a little unsettling.

 

When she’s finally, _finally_ let go from the investigation, she hurries to the infirmary, as fast as her feet can take her. In under a minute, she crosses half of the Surveillant’s makeshift base, pushing more people out of the way than she cares for. The infirmary is in a state of pure chaos, even after months of the base setup. Many of their medical staff hadn’t survived the attack of Sophron, and atop of the Republic being in complete disarray, it has become difficult to sustain both a sound working schedule and profound medical care.

It is a wonder that Brenan got a room of her own, now. Even more surprising is the person sitting beside her bed, the only speck of color in the dull grey of the room. Youri is wearing a bright blue jacket, dirty spots doing little to disturb its peace but the color still beginning to fade. It looks old and too big on their small figure, and Darwyn has the faintest whim that it might not be their own jacket.

Youri has their back turned to Darwyn, head propped up on their arms, bent over so they’re half-lying on the mattress, as well. Given the piercing quiet in the room, Darwyn suspects that both of them must be asleep – it’s a small comfort to see Brenan undisturbed, but something about the steady rise and fall of Youri’s chest makes the situation appear innocent, as if stepping into the room would throw the world out of its axes.

And she’s right, in a way, when Youri looks up to her with sleepy eyes after only two footsteps taken, leaning away from the bed and stretching. Usually, Darwyn wouldn’t describe herself as a person of hesitance, but she stops in her tracks at Youri’s inquisitive stare and turns shy. Every word is stuck in her throat, every single line she has thought about saying wiped away from her mind as Youri greets her, “Hey.”

Darwyn tries her best to school her face into a neutral expression and replies with a soft, “Hi.”

Apparently, it’s enough of a conversation for Youri and they turn away to look at Brenan with a slight frown on their face. As soon as the green of Youri’s eyes leave her, Darwyn comes closer to the bed, regarding her best friend with utmost scrutiny. She feels like she's checking her for any wounds all over again, despite the knowledge that now-right now, in safety, there is no need to do that, anymore. Whens she snaps out of it, she asks, “How is she doing?”

Youri takes a second before they reply, giving a drawn-out sigh, “She should be fine. Flesh wound. No signs of infection– her symptoms might just have been shock, or… I don’t know, I stopped listening as soon as they told me that the worst is over.”

“Good,” is all Darwyn knows how to answer, despite emotions running aloof. She doesn’t know where her head is right now – and she hates this, hates how lost for words she feels. This isn’t her usual self.

“Yeah, they say that all she needs right now, is rest,” Youri smiles a little. “After the months we had she deserves that much.”

“Of course,” Darwyn acquiesces, although she still had another question burning to be asked. “What exactly… happened to all of you? I mean, Brenan told me the gist of it before—that happened, but I still don’t know why you all…” she trails off, fumbling for words and growing frustrated when all seem to slip from her grasp.

“Why we all act like we’ve been through hell and back?” Youri fills in the gaps. Out of the corner of her eyes, Darwyn can see them smirk. She doesn’t confirm Youri’s suggestion, which gives them solid ground to answer their own question, “Because we have. Simple as that.”

Their grin falters a little, “We were a mess, in the end. All three of us.”

Darwyn hears them scoff and for the first time today, she actively searches for Youri’s eyes, then. They shine with the same green intensity of before, but now glisten with the same underlying sadness Darwyn has seen in Domisk. Back then, she couldn’t identify it as such, but now, it couldn’t be any clearer to her.

“Can’t believe that it’s only happened yesterday,” Youri mumbles into their hands as they run them over their face. Still tired, Darwyn notices. Suddenly, she feels guilty for waking them up.

She agrees as she looks away again, “I know what you mean. It’s too quiet now.”

“Yes,” Youri nods. “I feel like all of my energy has been sucked out of me, you know. First, I track across half of the planet, then I finally get to go home again only to find out that the person I have been travelling with is actually my sister, whom I thought to be dead. And as if that isn’t enough, some—some renegades destroy everything I ever held close to heart in a matter of seconds.”

Youri’s voice has risen in their rage as Darwyn watches them clench their fists, knuckles turning pale with how tight Youri is doing it. When the silence between them stretches into minutes, Darwyn starts to feel a little awkward and lost for direction. She still has a lot of questions to ask Youri, a lot more to ask Brenan and a few to go over for herself.

The time now should be ideal to get some of that off her chest, but she finds herself speechless at the pure and direct display of emotion beside her.

“I’m sorry,” escapes Darwyn, so hushed even she wonders where such a soft exclamation could be coming from.

“What for? I don’t need your pity,” Youri says, voice quiet again. They seem to have caught on where they are. That any noise might disturb Brenan’s sleep.

“What were you telling me all of this for, then? If not for pity?” Darwyn asks, voice laced with genuine curiosity since she has finally found back to her normal self.

“For one, you asked,” Youri counters, and Darwyn has to admit: they’ve got her there. “And Filly always says that I talk too much, anyway. Doesn’t matter how long I’ve known a person, I tell them anything, she says. Said. Whatever.”

Darwyn swallows, “You must miss her.” Internally, Darwyn is already applauding herself for stating the rather obvious. The small, but bitter laugh Youri gives her in response is something she wholeheartedly deserves.

“Of course, I do. Even before I knew she was my sister, she already felt like one to me.”

“How’d you find out she was?” Darwyn inquires carefully.

Youri shrugs at that, shaking their head, “Heard my father talk to her about it because he recognized her, but she denied all of it. I interjected because I couldn’t believe it until I’d hear her tell it to my face.”

“And did she?”

To her surprise, Youri’s expression morphs from a frown to a smile, “No, cause she’s weak as shit.”

Darwyn snorts at the sudden change in Youri’s demeanor. “All right.”

Then, Youri holds up her pointer finger, prompting Darwyn directly, “And get that: she knew all along. From the moment she heard my name, she knew exactly who I was. But did she say a thing? No, Ma’am.”

Youri sounds more amused than anything, so Darwyn can’t help but wonder, “Are you kidding me? How come you aren’t pissed as hell?”

That chases away whatever beginnings of a grin Youri has on their face. They don’t answer Darwyn right away, just stare at Brenan for a while. They appear to be in search of an answer themselves, unsure about it but looking for it in Brenan, whose motionless figure doesn’t have much to offer. When the silence continues on for another minute, Darwyn is ready to ask again, but Youri is faster than that, “I can’t deny my anger. I am mad at her for keeping it a secret for so long. But the weird thing is: I get it.”

That takes Darwyn by surprise, “Really?”

“I’m not saying what she did was the right thing, but… I don’t believe I would have acted differently were I to come from where she is coming from,” Youri explains, and Darwyn can't follow anymore. “Brenan tried to convince her to tell me. But Tus never wanted me to know. She didn’t say anything so we’d part ways in the future, and I would be protected from any dangers she might have brought upon me in the future,” they explain in a neutral voice, almost indifferent to Darwyn’s ears.

Despite herself, a scoff comes out of her mouth, then, prompting Youri to look at her. Darwyn remarks, tone anything but friendly, “What kind of bullshit is in that woman’s head?”

She expects Youri to fight her on this – all she gets, however, is raised eyebrows and a lop-sided smirk coming together in a questioning look. Darwyn can’t help but ask, “What?”

“Nothing. It’s just…It’s funny. Yesterday, you seemed all too eager to agree with her when she said the exact same thing about Brenan, even though she clearly couldn’t have predicted anything of what happened. But now it’s bullshit?”

Darwyn feels her ears catch fire as she scowls back at Youri, whose grin is only widening with every passing second. The moment to apologize for her behavior is ideal, though Darwyn is nothing if not proud and stubborn – a fine mix, Brenan always says, as long as it results in determination and confidence. And still, the effect is lost if it blindsides you, and your mistakes are suddenly missteps you do not want to admit to have ever taken.

A woman like Darwyn has her issues with just that. But she is painfully aware of Youri’s sudden satisfaction. They’ve caught Darwyn in a place she can’t escape from without a sincere apology, and so, with a reluctance greater than herself, Darwyn gives in, “Fine. I overreacted.”

“And…?”

“I am sorry,” Darwyn relents. “But you have no idea how it felt to have seen her like that—I thought she didn’t make it. When she didn’t return from that mission, everyone assumed the worst. And then, despite having lost hope, she is alive and relatively well and I finally feel like everything’s falling back into place—"

“Then she gets hurt and you relive everything. I get that,” Youri finishes, the self-satisfied smirk vanishing from their face. “But you gotta understand that Filly is the last person that would have wanted this. Brenan getting shot on her watch, when she was constantly making sure we were _safe_ … it crushed her. That’s why she let you put the blame on her and didn’t argue. That’s why she… left.”

“Right,” Darwyn says. “Did you know these bandits?”

“Bounty hunters,” Youri points out.

Darwyn shrugged, “Same thing to me. Did you know them?”

Youri shook her head, “No. I only know that they’d been after us for weeks and that Tus thought they were looking for Brenan because she was a Guardian, but well. She was wrong.”

A nod from Darwyn as she understands, but questions further, “What makes your sister so important?”

A smile blossoms on Youri’s face, “She’s got the force. Which makes me hope that she’ll get herself out of… whatever it is she has gotten herself into.”

“Brenan’s gonna be heartbroken when she finds out she's gone,” Darwyn says, frowning at her sleeping figure, unaware of her surroundings. To her, Darwyn and Youri are probably just misplaced voices in a dream.

“Yeah. About that…” Suddenly, Youri stands up, gesturing to the door. “We should talk outside.”

Darwyn lets herself be ushered away from Brenan, then into the hallway where medics are running past them in a hurry.

“I don’t think we should tell her about the bandits,” Youri declares.

“ _Bounty hunters_ ,” Darwyn emphasizes, receiving an eye-roll in response.

“Yes, _whatever_. Bounty hunters. We should go with what Tus told us to do.”

For a moment, Darwyn stops - only because she doesn’t believe her ears function correctly. Just to clarify, she asks, “so what you’re saying is... we should lie to Brenan because your sister said so?”

“Yes?” Youri replies solemnly, as if they can’t comprehend how Darwyn isn’t already agreeing vehemently. It’s as if they don’t even realize how serious this matter is, and how dishonesty will not help it.

“You are kidding, right?” Darwyn scoffs. “I will not lie to my best friend.”

Youri’s gaze is relentless and remains on Darwyn the whole time, too long for her liking – the green of Youri’s eyes has an inexplainable effect on her, so much, she almost feels like they’re a weapon of their own.

“Think about it—” – “I have, it’s absolute _nonsense_!” – “She’s the brightest around, she will figure out who these bounty hunters were and go after them to break Tus out of wherever she is. And she won’t take no for an answer.”

Darwyn shakes her head in disbelief. She counters, “Brenan is an intelligent woman. She can be reasoned with.”

Youri makes a show of taking a deep breath, and Darwyn raises one eyebrow in outrageous confusion. After a moment, Youri begins to speak, “Look. This might not sit with you well, but it is something that needs to be said: The Brenan you know? She has changed _so much_ in the months I’ve known her. And if there is one thing I am sure of, it’s that my sister and Brenan cannot be reasoned with once it comes to each other. They have developed a method of better understanding each other by choosing the other’s respectable nature to make decisions.

“Now, let me explain that very quickly: Tus is very impulsive, and therefore extremely reckless. She never thinks before she acts – _unless_ it is about or initiated by Brenan. The same goes for Brenny herself: she rationalizes everything, as you well know, but everything involving Tus, her gut told her to do. 

“You’ve seen Tus yesterday. She had a lot of time to think and she didn’t make her decision lightly or just for nothing – she decided for the path that would lead to Brenan’s safety. Just like Brenan saw a blaster aimed at Tus and didn’t even think about jumping in front of it to save her.

“What I’m saying is that there’s a good chance she’ll have to jump in front of another one if we tell her what truly went down,” Youri reminds. “It’s what my sister wants to prevent.”

“This is ludicrous,” Darwyn mumbles, hands coming up to rub her face in exhaustion. “What makes you think that she will react differently if we lie to her? Will it not do more harm than good?”

“I don’t think so, no,” Youri replies in a calm voice, sounding completely sure of themselves. “This way, we can convince her to focus on her health. It will be easier in time. She won’t be asking herself what would’ve happened if she had… ‘ _done something’_ , you know.”

At Darwyn’s unimpressed stare, Youri proposes, “Tell you what: how about we compromise and whoever gets to her first when she wakes up, gets to explain everything.”

Darwyn finds herself dumbfounded, and loses her patience, “That is a shit compromise.”

Youri acquiesces, “Well, I didn’t _say_ it was a good one.”

“How can you take this so lightly?” Darwyn explodes, her voice of loud volume that disrupts the work of some staff around. They glare at her and she tries again, easier on them this time around, “I’m sorry. I just… I wouldn’t want someone close to me to lie about something so serious.”

“She won't know that we're lying. Or, if it helps, just don't see it as a lie, per se: we tell her that Tus wasn’t there when we had to leave, that there was no sign of her. It’s true, after all. We only… we keep parts of the story hidden from her, for her safety… How is that for a compromise?”

Darwyn actually laughs a little at that, but it’s a bitter, incredulous laugh that almost turns into another reprimand, but then she cuts herself off. The previously unconscious Brenan stirs to life inside, and it catches Darwyn's eye immediately. Youri notices, as well, and soon they’re both inside, rushing to either side of the bed.

When she does gain consciousness again, Darwyn doesn’t even attempt to be the first to explain. She listens as Youri talks, watches as Brenan’s face crumbles to pieces, and suddenly, there’s a sour taste in her mouth. It doesn’t disappear for weeks.

 

**Brenan**

Weeks pass in a matter of seconds, it seems, as Brenan regains color in her face and vigor in her bones – all of a sudden, she is cleared to join the medical team again, despite the ever-constant worries of her friends and her own misgivings about returning back to work.

With the stress of it comes a welcome distraction, however – something she has been craving for weeks, stuck in a bed in a room that almost constricts her, forced to rest when her mind and body just wouldn’t cooperate. On the worst days, all she was able think about was the weight of the kyber-crystal around her neck and how she would miss it if she’d ever put it down.

When there are people around you in need of attendance, she forgets about it altogether. People sometimes need you more than you need yourself, and suddenly, all the bad thoughts circling around her head are a matter for later. For once, she lets herself be swept away by everything but that – it’s refreshing to see the bright lights of the infirmary after weeks of a tunnel engulfed in nothing but darkness.

She’s grateful for Youri and Darwyn by her side. Though it takes a lot of her energy to see them bicker all the time, about seemingly trivial things. It’s a wonder, after all, to see Youri _not_ get along with everyone and even more so, to see Darwyn struggle this much with another person. Because by the looks of it, they do not hate each other’s guts. Which, Brenan knows, shouldn’t be the worst of foundations for a friendship, especially since they hang around each other all the time – Brenan doesn’t even have to be there anymore.

It’s nothing but a lot of smoke and mirrors, she believes. With every other week that goes by on their small base, Youri and Darwyn find new topics to debate about, but their voices portray more than just the heat of an argument. It has come to a constant need to roll her eyes at them when they all come together for breakfast in the cafeteria – for one, somehow, they find each other before they even reach it, despite the respectable distance between their rooms. And secondly, whether it’s an argument about this morning’s selection of puddings or a fiery debate about the relevance of monarchies, at some point, they start yelling at each other.

Brenan’s glad enough that it ceased to be of a malicious nature and has turned into mock outrage or amused indignation. Which leads to an even more frustrating ordeal when either of the two try to deny the budding feelings for the other.

And after continuous denial, Brenan has shut it down, completely. As soon as either of the two of them start complaining about the other, Brenan walks away without another word, leaving her friend behind. She knows it is not the best idea she has ever had – but enough is enough.

So, when Youri walks into the infirmary one day, a face full of enthusiasm and determination, Brenan knows they’re up to no good.

“Brenny, my darling,” they greet in a smooth voice, and Brenan’s smile falters slightly in fearful anticipation.

“Hello to you too, Youri,” she says, putting down the clipboard she’s been holding on her ward round. She raises an eyebrow at them, looking them over in one quick glance. “I hope you haven’t injured yourself again.”

Youri rolls their eyes, shaking their head, “Bruises and Scrapes are hardly injuries, Brenny,” they emphasize, sitting down on the edge of a table nearby. “You’re a doctor, you should know that.”

Brenan’s smile turns sympathetic, “As a doctor, I know that they are. So, any new ones I should take a look at?” Her hands settle on her hips while her face turns neutral and she watches as Youri fumbles with their shirt.

They glance to the side to avoid Brenan’s eyes. “None?” they mumble, and Brenan sighs good-naturedly, already moving towards them with a slightly disapproving expression on her face. Youri is faster, however, and continues before she can even begin her examination, “But that’s not why I’m here, all right?”

“Why _are_ you here, then?”

A smirk reappears on their face, “So, I’m scheduled to go on a supply run tomorrow, nothing too big, just the usual stuff – food, clothes, medicine, the like. But because Kendaal got injured last week, Ardy isn’t coming with me because, _duh_. Which is why I need a new partner,” Youri makes finger guns in her direction, “You!”

Brenan frowns, “How long have you known that Ardy isn’t going to be with you on that run?”

“Oh, he told me this morning. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to stay here with Ken. Cause normally, couples don’t get these kinds of privileges around here, especially these days – you know how it is, shortage here, dysfunctional stuff there. Crazy. But since they _married_ —”

Brenan holds up a hand to stop Youri’s rambling, “All right. I get the full picture.”

Youri grins, teeth showing, “So, you’re in?”

With a sigh, Brenan takes the clipboard back into her hands, and gestures for Youri to follow her. She leads them into the next room where most of the injured sit and wait, some of them with eyes half-closed in their fatigue. Brenan gives what she hopes to be a reassuring smile.

“I’m afraid not, Youri,” she says in apology, and as Youri’s face falls in disappointment, she puts a hand on her shoulder. “We’ve got a lot on our plate here. I can’t take a day off right now, even if it’s for such an important mission.”

Youri groans, “I know. I guessed as much.”

She looks around the room, examining the faces in the white hall. With a strange feeling in their stomach, they realize that they recognize a lot of them, that they were on missions with the same people that are now sitting here. And yet, they know barely a thing, barely a name.

Brenan regards Youri, then, and notices the same realization dawning on them.

“You could ask Matti’sk,” Brenan proposes after a while, walking them into another room. She hopes Youri doesn’t notice how her voice rises just a bit. “I hear he’s a good pilot, very easygoing and kind. As far as I know, he is not scheduled for anything tomorrow.”

Youri frowns deeply, “Uh, isn’t that the guy who wanted to take you out on a date?”

“Yes, he is,” Brenan says slowly. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, nothing,” Youri hurries to explain. “It’s just… You declined, right?”

For a moment, Brenan is silent. Youri takes that opportunity to remind her of something, “You’re allowed to do that, you know. Dating. Fooling around. Just as long as you’re ready—”

“How about Aoi? Jasw’n?” Brenan cuts in, pointedly ignoring Youri’s words and averting her eyes in search of something to do with her hands – which turns out to be nothing, since the blank tables don’t give anything away.

Youri is quick to understand when Brenan doesn’t want to talk about a topic. They cough awkwardly.

“They’re pretty busy. With their kid and all,” they get out after a while. Brenan can feel their eyes boring into her back and swallows past the lump in her throat. She hates how she still reacts like this whenever certain subjects are so much as mentioned, even worse when Youri actively, consciously approaches them. In her mind, she knows that Youri means well – when don’t they?

Brenan wonders when it will stop completely – or if it’ll ever pass at all.

Before she can spiral down the vortex of depression, a door opens and a disgruntled Darwyn wanders into the room, very obviously looking for someone. It doesn’t escape her how Youri’s facial expression has changed from slight concern for Brenan to a fiery passion she knows all too well. It’s the same expression they always show whenever Darwyn is around.

“There you are!” Darwyn exclaims as she comes towards them. Youri crosses their arms in front of their chest. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

It occurs to Brenan, then, that the person Darwyn’s been searching so desperately isn’t herself, but the small person stood next to her whose eyebrows are drawn together in such a tight frown, Brenan wonders if it’s still normal. Youri appears to be rather puzzled by this amount of attention, because they look up at Darwyn with questions written in their face. In her head, Brenan already sighs in exasperation.

“Me?” Youri asks in apparent disbelief. “What do you want with me?”

“They’re saying you need someone for the mission tomorrow cause that Min-Su guy prefers to stay on base with his husband.”

Both Brenan’s and Youri’s eyebrows rise up in surprise, and Brenan takes the opportunity to speak, “This is perfect! Darwyn can do it with you.”

Two heads whip around to her as she says it, equally shocked faces stare at her. Just the reaction Brenan has expected.

“Wait, what?!” Youri shrieks, just as Darwyn asks quietly, “I beg your pardon?”

“Well, Youri needs someone to accompany them on their supply run, and you don’t have anything scheduled tomorrow that cannot be done another day,” Brenan beams at them. “And since I can’t, it is only right you go together.”

Stunned into silence, they shoot disbelieving stares in Bren’s direction, glancing at the other when they think they’re not looking. Out of the two of them, Youri recovers first, but still stumbles over their words as they say, “Uh, I’m sure Darwyn is busy, too. I’ll find someone else.”

Darwyn risks another glance at Youri, an expression Brenan can’t quite decipher. It only lasts a second until she agrees with them, “Yeah, absolutely busy. A lot of… stuff needs to be organized.”

Stuff.”

“I’m sure this _stuff_ can wait,” Brenan reasons, trying to refrain herself from smiling in pleasure as she watches Darwyn squirm.

“I only came here to propose a different partner for Youri, since there are many capable people on this base,” Darwyn tries to reason in an agreeable tone, but she is clearly on edge already.

“Oh, nonsense,” Brenan decides. “Wouldn’t it be a great opportunity for you two to bond? Darwyn, you can never seem to stop complaining about how you do not understand Youri.” Darwyn’s eyes widen comically while her cheeks receive a subtle shade of pink. “And you always say how you want to know what’s going on inside their head.”

“Really?” Youri asks with a smirk on their face, eyes gleaming with untamed glee.

“I did not say that!” Darwyn cries out in desperation. Youri just starts to laugh as Darwyn’s face is an angry red.

“Oh, Youri. Why are you laughing at her? Haven’t you wondered the exact same thing?” Brenan asks, now letting a smirk lighten up her face. Youri’s own falls instantly and they gasp in offense, as if the accusation is above themselves and outright ridiculous. Brenan can think of other things that radiate ridiculousness, but she just quietly smiles to herself. Even Youri gets thrown off for a moment, but at least they don’t suddenly turn into a tomato because of harmless teasing.

“Whatever. Maybe,” they try to deflect, “one of the people Darwyn’s found is sufficient for this one-day mission. You know I get along with everyone.” An awkward attempt of a laugh later, Youri adds, “Besides; I’m sure Darwyn’s way above these types of missions, anyway. They’re so boring, you know…”

“Hey, hold up,” Darwyn interjects. “Why _wouldn’t_ I want to go?”

Youri answers, undeterred as ever, “Well, it’s not like you’re going to gain a lot of attention by doing it. The higher-ups don’t really care who does it. Plus, it doesn’t change the world like your missions usually do – they keep us alive on base, but they have little influence or enforce any progress regarding our cause, so – why _would_ you want to do them?”

Youri finishes with a snort, but Darwyn doesn’t seem to be amused in the slightest. She bristles, “How arrogant do you think I am?”

“Plenty,” Youri answers truthfully, not even hesitating. laughing it off. If anything, it makes Darwyn even angrier and red for a very different reason.

“Listen here, you little brat,” Darwyn snarls, stepping closer to Youri. Brenan has seen this very move before, and she knows Darwyn uses it to intimidate people – but this time, she is challenging Youri, a person who, despite their small stature, is not so easily intimidated. Especially not by people whose anger is an obvious façade.

“Everything that happens around here is important to our progress,” she says, then, voice firm and strangely calm. Brenan had expected fury, insults, anything other than this clear statement. One look at Youri confirms that they’re as surprised as herself.

“Without food, none of us can survive. Without the proper medicine, none of us can survive. And while clothes are merely items of luxury, even those are of a necessity around here. And I can be… condescending at times, but not—not about this. Because I recognize that we need to be strong in every aspect in order to work. In order to win,” Darwyn explains, tone serious but forceful – it amazes Brenan how long Darwyn holds Youri’s gaze before she steps away. It’s not often someone manages to shut Youri up, but it appears that Darwyn has succeeded.

“I’ll go with you,” Darwyn decides with a firm voice, already disappearing from the room before either of her friends can find their voice again. To Brenan, it feels like Darwyn has something to prove here – Darwyn has struggled with other people’s perception her entire life. Brenan knows it’s a sore spot when someone cannot see her for who she truly is – although, she has a whim it’s an even bigger problem with Youri.

When Brenan puts a hand on Youri’s arm, they startle out of their skin and look like a deer caught in the headlights. When they come back to themselves, they move out of the room just as fast, and all Brenan catches, is a mumbled, “I’ll better go after her.”

And despite what just happened, Brenan smiles to herself.

 

**Youri**

“Darwyn!” Youri calls after her, as they finally spot her in the hallways. They try not to think about it too much – Youri normally doesn’t run after people like that, and they’re afraid to admit what it means. After all, they’ve had arguments before, worse ones, harsher ones – but it seems that even they have a breaking point.

Darwyn seems to agree, if the way she solemnly increases her pace is anything to go by. “Darwyn, come on, stop,” Youri attempts again, but all Darwyn does is flip them off. But Youri is fast and insistent and reaches Darwyn before she can fully flee from them, keeping up with them in quick steps. It’s exhausting in a way, to make twice as many of them as Darwyn does, solely given the fact that their legs are shorter. Youri’s pissed that Darwyn takes advantage of just that.

“You’re impossible,” Youri huffs after Darwyn turns abruptly, turning into a less crowded hallway leading to the living quarters, and Youri figures that she’s headed for her own. So, instead of chasing after her when it’s clear Darwyn will not stop on her own accord, Youri takes a shortcut through the base, arriving in front of Darwyn’s door from a different hallway than she does.

Darwyn screams when Youri almost slams into her, “What the hell, you crazy maniac?!”

It satisfies Youri a little (a lot) how distraught Darwyn looks, simply because Youri’s outdone her – however, Youri knows better than to display their vigor. They’re about to have a serious conversation, and Youri shouldn’t be putting more fuel to the fire.

“We need to talk,” Youri tells Darwyn but she doesn’t respond. There’s just a glare directed their way and seconds later, a door practically slammed in their face. Rolling their eyes, Youri knocks fervently. Or, well – bangs against the obstacle in their way. “Who’s behaving like a child now?” They demand, aware of the people around them who are giving Youri weird looks, whispering amongst themselves. “Did you know, I am not afraid to make a scene? Hey, listen up everybody,” they turn to face the few oglers, addressing them with a smile, “you all know who Darwyn Dreemurr is, right? A _big deal_ around here, I understand. Very capable, very good with words and very much incapable of deescalating an argument because she refuses to talk to you when things get a tad too serio—”

Suddenly, they’re yanked back by their collar, words cut off by their own shirt. Darwyn’s incredibly strong, Youri realizes – or maybe it was just the element of surprise which made it so easy. In any case, Youri finds themselves in her small quarters, not unlike their own, as Darwyn yells at everyone outside, “Don’t you have anything better to do? Bugger off!”

“Charming,” Youri remarks sarcastically and Darwyn turns to glare at her, shutting the door. She hasn’t bothered to turn on any lights yet, so they’re just engulfed in the strange green glow of the nighttime – Darwyn’s preference, Youri supposes, although it’s way too dark for them to feel even remotely at home in this place. How Darwyn manages is a mystery to them.

“Might wanna turn on some lights.”

Darwyn does, and sits down on her bed, head propped up on her arms. She looks up to Youri, who feels weirdly out of place standing in the middle of the room. They shift uncomfortably, as Darwyn asks, “What do you want?”

“To Talk,” Youri simply answers, frowning again because—isn’t that much obvious? But it appears that Darwyn doesn’t have a lot of patience left – not that she’s had much to begin with – and asserts, “well, then talk, or else I’ll throw you out, but I’m not going to be nice about it.”

Youri cuts to the chase, “I am sorry. I overstepped. I shouldn’t have…”

“Great. Apology accepted, now get out,” Darwyn interrupts with a sharp voice that cuts deeper than a knife, causing Youri to stop. They have half a mind to just follow up on Darwyn’s demand but think better of it. It’s more than apparent to them that this is Darwyn’s goal, to push Youri away even though she knows this is a conversation long overdue.

Youri has a strange whim that this could be a turning point.

“I will not,” they say. Darwyn scoffs slightly, mumbling under her breath, “of course not.”

“Why did you storm out?” Youri asks in a calm tone, signaling their willingness for a clear and tranquil discussion. It’s a different way to approach this than their yelling matches, Youri hopes for appreciation on Darwyn’s side.

“I needed a dramatic exit?” Darwyn sighs, throwing her hands up in a non-committal gesture. “What does it matter to you?”

“We’re friends,” Youri replies immediately. “It matters to me if you’re upset. Especially when I’m responsible for it.”

“Friends?” Darwyn gives a bitter laugh, and to Youri’s ears it sounds like a broken record tumbling from her lips. “I suppose you could call it that.”

Youri perks up, “What would you call _it_?”

“I don’t know,” she replies honestly. “But we’re… I only ever had the one friend, and that was Brenan. I had many acquaintances, found people who respect me, but mostly, I just made enemies. You feel like neither of those.”

It does something to Youri’s heart to see Darwyn speak so clearly from hers, but they dismiss it from their thoughts just as soon as it arrives. They shrug, “I guess it’s a compliment – not to be considered an enemy.”

“Did I… I did not make you feel like one, did I?” Darwyn asks all of a sudden, shy voice and curious expression. The only thing Youri can do is shake their head, words failing them.

“Good. Good,” she mumbles in relief and falls silent, which Youri just cannot accept.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Youri remarks. “I mean… we’ve had bigger arguments with far harsher words. What makes this one different?”

With careful steps, Youri moves towards Darwyn to sit down next to her, keeping a small distance between them. Darwyn’s hands sit in her lap, and Youri notices them trembling, as well as the focus Darwyn has on them which – a stare, almost comically strained, so much it’s laughable. Youri doesn’t.

Instead, they grow more concerned as Darwyn starts to fiddle with her hands in an attempt to stop their trembling. They’ve never seen her like that – anxious, nervous, restless, emotions Youri hasn’t ever thought of Darwyn experiencing. Now, Youri isn’t normally ignorant like that, they know no one goes without them as a human being, no matter how much they might wish otherwise – Darwyn might appear cold-hearted sometimes, but undoubtedly, she’s as human as everyone else.

Nevertheless, the panic is surprising. And Youri just cannot do with that – they put one hand above hers, avoiding her gaze as Darwyn startles and gives them a questioning look. As a way of explanation, Youri mumbles, “I was going crazy with your fidgeting,” but both know it’s synonymous with: _Don’t be nervous. Everything’s fine. It’s just me._

Youri supposes that it should help – they touch people when they’re aware of distress, it’s a signature trait of Youri's – but they _never touched_ _Darwyn_ before. It’s strange, they have to admit. Although, Darwyn’s hands are rather soft, so, Youri thinks, it’s not as bad as they imagined it. Not that they ever did consider holding hands with her.

When Darwyn takes a deep breath, Youri guesses it’s safe to turn their head in her direction, and they’re right. Darwyn watches her hands again, but seems the most enamored with Youri’s own. She doesn’t lift her eyes to Youri’s as she finally speaks, “It’s not new to me that people think I am an arrogant person. I don’t mind; in fact, I am quite used to it. It doesn’t bother me.

“They usually never knew me. I mean. They never knew _me_. They only saw this tall, loud figure, radiating political awareness and, apparently, a sense of egotism and superiority, or whatever it was – but because they never got to know me, they’d only ever see my accomplishments, and as long as they said, ‘Oh, she’s arrogant but at least she gets shit done’… I was okay with that,” Darwyn shrugs.

“But you,” she continues with a different tone, looking over at last. “You saying that I am—that I am ‘plenty arrogant’ is like a punch to the throat. Because you… yeah, you know me by now. You know why I do the things I do, how I came here and the political convictions that made me do it—and yet, I still read arrogant to you.

“I don’t want you to think that. I know that I have many flaws, and the tendency to overestimate my abilities in the heat of the moment is among them, as well as the, uh, intolerance towards ignorance which many people mistake for actual intolerance. But I never thought of myself as an arrogant personality – Brenan knows that I have doubts about it now and then, still, without fail, she assures me every time that there’s more to me beneath my shell.

“And then she told me about you… how you were the most trusting person she’s ever met. That you’re friends with everyone. That you get along with the craziest of people just because it’s your nature.”

Then, slumping in defeat, Darwyn’s eyes cast down again, and shortly afterwards, her hands move away from Youri’s. They don’t really know how to describe the feeling of loss, but they realize it’s an uncomfortable tug at their heart.

“We started off on the wrong foot, I’ll admit that,” she continues. “But when we kept… arguing, I-I thought that there must be something wrong with me. You are walking around base, talking to everyone like you’ve known them for years and with me, it’s just – just. Always the same. We fight, we yell, we… we can’t figure each other out, for crying out loud!” she explodes, and it feels like it has been a long time coming, like it has all been leading up to this revelation. “And if you see the person beneath and decide you don’t like it… how will anyone else? Tell me, Youri,” she focuses on Youri again, eyes all sad and teary. “Am I too much? Or am I… not enough? Am I really this… this arrogant that people will stay away rather than take a chance at getting to know me?”

A second wasted to hesitation, and Darwyn’s face falls for lack of answer, causing her to bury it in her hands in shame. She doesn’t start to cry, but the long, drawn-out sigh sounds sad and defeated and Youri knows she is close.

“I… I think,” Youri starts out in a quiet voice, “that you do not realize that there _are_ people who want to see beneath your surface. And for this to work, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable.”

Darwyn makes a short, indignant noise low in her throat and Youri glares at her, but in a soft way, not one bit of anger left, “You scoff, but I am being serious. People only believe you to be arrogant because you don’t let your Guard down. Get it? Cause you're a Guardian...?”

Youri's attempts at lightening the mood go unnoticed by Darwyn, or at least she chooses not to comment on it. The joke vanishes into thin air, as Darwyn asks, “Is that why… you think that I am arrogant?”

“I don’t,” Youri admits, then. “Not… not ‘plenty’, at least. But I did get the feeling that this mission, although important, was not enough for you. I was wrong, however. I just assumed… based on what I get from you. Which was clearly the wrong impression. So. I’m sorry. I hurt you with my words just because I let myself get swept away again, and I am sorry.”

“You’re just saying that because you feel bad for yourself,” Darwyn dismisses them on the spot, and Youri feels anger flare up inside them, voice growing desperate as they speak again.

A vow, “I am telling the truth. The only reason I acted like I did, is because I don’t know what else to do with an emotionless robot who won’t let me in.” Their voice has risen up with the last words falling from their lips, making Darwyn’s eyes grow wide in shock at the sheer volume of it.

“I’m sorry,” they mumble. “I really am. Don’t believe me, fine, you decide. But I am being honest with you, because for the first time ever, you decided to be honest with me. To be vulnerable with me. It would be unfair to you if I didn’t do the same. This isn’t a one-way-street.”

Darwyn doesn’t say anything for a while, weighing it over in her mind, it seems—Youri wonders if she understands now how far they’ve come just by exchanging insecurities. It’s a progress in their relationship that Youri has been craving, if only for a wish to better comprehend what Darwyn’s thoughts truly are.

“I’m sorry, too,” she says, locking eyes with Youri again – her blue eyes shine with sincerity. “I’ve only ever considered my emotions to be a liability – another character flaw, if you will. Once you devote your entire life to a cause this dangerous and fatal – you can’t let things get too close to you. So, I don’t. Last time I did, I chased the love of Brenan’s life away and made an enemy of her. I let my emotions cloud sound judgement, which I cannot allow to happen when I need it the most.”

“Darwyn,” Youri urges, smiling a little, “don’t you see how being honest about your emotions has helped us understand each other better? I wondered what was going on inside your head and I got at least one big part of the answer. And because I want to understand you… I wish for you to realize that showing emotions, letting yourself fully feel whatever it is you are feeling – it doesn’t have to be a weakness. In fact, it’s what makes us so distinctly human. And how is being who you are supposed to be by nature something to be hidden?”

“Well it’s so easy for you, isn’t it? How _is_ it so easy for you?” Darwyn inquires, frustration seeping through again. Perhaps there is a bit of anger as well, something rooted in a particular kind of jealousy that almost upsets Youri again because it sounds a lot like an accusation.

Youri’s direct, “That’s who I am, Darwyn. It’s my nature, end of story. We are different personalities; our brains are wired to function in diverse patterns. We are supposed to figure out how to work with what we’ve got.”

“I can’t. I can’t do—”

“You _can_. Instead of blocking everything out but the anger you’re feeling, channel that energy into the expression of your honesty. Because there lies your strong suit: you value candor and the respect that comes from executing it – so, people might find your candor in facts and transparency, but by being sincere in general… if you show people how you can find strength in something that many people mistake for a weakness, you are inspiring.

But for that to work, you need to let your guard down. Let people in… like you let me,” Youri extends a hand again, palm up, putting it into Darwyn’s line of sight. It’s an open invitation, not a demand, a sole wish for touch. It itches. “You don’t have to rush it, find your own pace. One step at a time.”

“One step,” Darwyn whispers, laying her hand atop Youri’s, “at a time. Yes, yes. I can try.”

Youri gives a gentle squeeze, “You can succeed.”

“Maybe.” – “Definitely.”

Darwyn laughs in a manner completely unlike what Youri is used to, it’s soft around the edges, quiet but meaningful, “Stop contradicting me.”

Youri looks appalled, mouth hanging open in shock, “How am I contradicting you, I am trying to encourage you!”

Darwyn nods, insisting, “And I am being hard on myself, self-deprecating and insecure. You are contradicting said states of mind.”

Youri gapes, “I don’t believe you. Is this how you thank a pal for being there for you, advice and all?”

“Sorry,” Darwyn chuckles. “I’m just messing with you.”

Just when Youri’s about to give her a smile, Darwyn’s face falls again, brows furrowing together. She says, “Seriously, though: thank you. And I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you.”

“It’s fine. Believe it or not, you weren’t the only one who’s ever said mean things to me,” Youri shrugs her off, standing up and letting go of her hand. Darwyn looks up at them, eyes conveying regret, “I belittled you. I called you naïve and a child and a brat and—”

Youri holds up their hand, interrupting Darwyn, “Yes, thank you, I remember.”

“Out of anger and frustration. And these past few months, you… never acted like a child. In fact, you are handling yourself incredibly well, despite your circumstances, despite every loss you had to endure. And I still called you all of these things out of spite,” Darwyn says, voice turning to a whisper to the end, as if she can’t quite believe it herself. “I’m… a terrible person for doing that.”

Youri nods in agreement, but promises, “You were. But I wasn’t much better when I was angry. Doesn’t mean we don’t deserve a second chance.”

At Darwyn’s unconvinced look, and her apparent need to object, Youri continues, “Tell you what,” they pull Darwyn up to her feet. “It’s almost lunchtime. Why don’t we get something to eat and… I don’t know, start anew?”

Darwyn raises an eyebrow in surprise, “Really? Are you… sure?”

“Of course,” Youri answers honestly, not missing a beat. Darwyn regards them for a moment, letting disbelief flood over her face for Youri to see. Then, she averts her eyes, mumbling, “Uh, I’d—I’d love to, really, but, um… if you don’t mind, I want to be alone for a bit.”

“Oh,” Youri says. “Sure, sure. No problem.”

They make their way towards the door, ignoring the painful stab of disappointment in their chest when suddenly, Darwyn calls out, “How about dinner?” It’s a question neither of them truly expects, it seems, as Youri turns around to see Darwyn visibly swallow. She sounds nervous when she says, “We can start anew, then. And talk about the mission tomorrow.”

A smile appears on Youri’s face, open and honest, “Great. It’s a date.”

For the rest of the day, Youri’s heart feels heavier and lighter at the same time.

 

**Youri & Darwyn**

 

Youri is furious. The fire and flames kind of furious. The head glowing red with steam coming out of your nose kind of furious.

One should think that, after serving them and their cause for over a year, they have seen every possibility of a mission they could come up with – raids, reconnaissance, supply runs. The usual sorts, at least for an underground antifascist resistance group. But what they have been doing in the past few months has been a mere reconstruction of how things used to be at their base in Sophron, back before the missiles destroyed the city and Repside went to war.

As it turns out, most of the recon missions the Surveillant has undergone do not serve this purpose alone – of course not, Youri knows that, knew that when Darwyn told her about the few missions she went on, but Youri is thoroughly surprised by the amount of time it took for the higher-ups to tell them about just that.

As they understand it, the people from intelligence have been gathering data on a presumably abandoned Empside base near the border to the Neutral Zone. It sits there without a lot of suspicion by the locals, disguised as an old weapon factory from times before the division of Eleuth, right before the first civil war started.

Word has it that it’s not abandoned, after all. In fact, if the information they’ve compiled proves to be true, it’s the most active Empside base in their vicinity. Highly dangerous, Youri agrees with that much. But sending in a couple of skilled soldiers to eliminate an entire outpost and the threat it poses, is downright insane.

Youri doesn’t have the power to speak against it, and neither does Brenan – both listen with concern as everything is finally announced, and Brenan shakes her head in disapproval. What worries Youri, however, is that Darwyn is nowhere to be seen – which, in general, is never a good thing when it comes to their higher-ups fucking up.

Darwyn’s been throwing herself into everything she could do to help ensure progress, but never came back without proper critics of the way things have been handled. If there was anyone suspicious of their own superiors, it was her. Everything has been done at too great a risk for everyone else living on base, especially for the families who come to seek refuge and safety among the Guardians of the Surveillant. Darwyn has been suspecting corruption – in the quiet nights in her room whenever Youri was staying over.

Since joining the science program, Youri hasn’t had much contact with anyone from intelligence besides Darwyn – so maybe, they’re biased once it actually comes down to assessing the situation. But out of everyone they have ever known, Youri trusts Darwyn the most. They know Darwyn isn’t just making assumptions about matters this serious.

Her absence is upsetting, for that very reason. But then again, she is probably already aware of their plans and unable herself to do anything about it. There’s still no reason for her to miss this, if only for the pleasure of agitation and some sweet frowns and glares directed at General Lors.

It hits them why Darwyn isn’t attending the announcement when Lors starts talking about the mission’s procedures and how the people involved will have to leave as soon as possible which is supposed to be tomorrow morning. It’s like Brenan experiences the same realization when she looks over at Youri and they exchange a meaningful look.

Youri’s at Darwyn’s room only minutes later, punching in the code for the door and stumbling inside, surprised eyes watching them. “Youri? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the—”

“The announcement?” Youri asks. “Yeah, fuck that.”

They move closer to Darwyn and notice the bag on her bed, some clothes already packed, others scattered on the bed. Darwyn has the decency to truly look confused at the intrusion and Youri’s profound use of profanities.

“Is it true?” Youri asks her out of the blue, stood in front of her but having to glare up at her face. 

Darwyn swallows past the lump in her throat that’s beginning to form and answers with a question herself, “What do you mean?”

“You’re going on that mission?” Youri states, a fact rather than a question. They’re feeling a little foolish for not seeing this coming – for not being able to prevent it in the first place.

“I am,” Darwyn grits out, voice turning to stone. “Volunteered, actually,” she offers as way of an explanation.

Youri scoffs, “Of course you did. When did you know you were going to be doing this?”

Darwyn says, “we got the go-ahead a week ago. We have been planning it for over two months.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Youri questions, voice growing strange. Darwyn stares at her as if the answer couldn’t be more apparent. Especially since Youri’s first thought since receiving the news have been about Darwyn possibly (definitely) being part of it.

“Well, would you have let me do it if I told you?”

Darwyn begins to chew on her lower lip as Youri comes closer to her, “Are you crazy? This is a suicide mission!”

“It could be worse,” she attempts to soothe their nerves.

“ _It could be worse?_ Do you even listen to yourself?”

“Youri,” Darwyn puts emphasis on her words, and it isn’t a technique familiar to Youri. It’s a quiet, soft side on Darwyn that she is using in her attempts at persuasion. Youri has complained to Brenan about how unfair it is and pretends to hate it whenever Darwyn is in full gear.

This time, however, they don’t have to pretend, “Don’t you fucking dare.”

“Fine,” Darwyn’s face shifts, and there comes the stone-cold reality check that Youri does not need. “Be like that. But we both know that it is something that has to be done, no matter how much you dislike it. We have been checking and cross-checking every piece of information we could find, so we can finally act again and move forward. I was there the second this project started, and I will see it through until the end.”

“It’s too dangerous. I can’t let you go on this mission,” Youri says.

“It’s not your call, Youri!” Darwyn counters, a firm severity to her tone that scares Youri a little. It sounds effortless and a lot like she has dismissed Youri’s every word before they’ve even had the chance to utter them. “I am fulfilling my duties as a Guardian, which has been my purpose all along. I didn’t come here to just sit on my ass.”

Youri sounds desperate when they speak, “let others do it! You’re not the only one who’s been onto this lead from start to finish, and you’ve already been doing so much to make things happen. General Lors himself should do the dangerous part of it, it’s been his ludicrous idea in the first place!”

Darwyn chooses to finish packing in that very moment, trying to keep her hands busy so Youri cannot see them shaking. (A pointless endeavor – Youri sees right through it.) She takes a moment to look at a jacket she’s picked up, a dirty green with a patch on its sleeves repeating her name back to her.

She keeps her eyes fixed on the name, and puts a memory of the day they met into the back of her mind. Darwyn hasn’t worn this jacket ever since.

“General Lors is a lunatic,” Darwyn assesses in a calm voice, throwing the jacket back into the closet. “Me and some others have been trying to keep him away from the final blow, for that very reason. As long as it’s us on that base, nothing can or will go wrong, trust me.”

“How can you be sure?” Youri asks, and Darwyn is quick to answer, “we didn’t gather every bit of data for nothing – and we kept Lors as far away from our true intentions as we possibly could have. And once we’re back, mission successful, we are going to get the Surveillant back on track.”

Youri is silent for a moment, too long for Darwyn’s liking. As she looks up, Youri’s eyes are piercing and they’re staring at her.

“If you come back,” they say quietly. It’s a confession of anxiety. There’s a dull ache in her chest, suddenly, as if the words spark a fearful fire that she has been trying her hardest to ignore. It’s always been there, she realizes with a sense of dread – ever since Youri appeared in her life, it has grown steadily, deeply, like it has been implemented into her very soul.

For their sake, she doesn’t let it show. Instead, she remains serious, “We are going to come back, don’t worry. We are prepared for everything.”

“Some things you cannot foresee, Darwyn,” Youri argues, and it’s become clear to Darwyn how extremely worried they are. “What if… what if something happens to you?”

Darwyn steps closer to Youri and dares to put a hand on their arm, softly touching them. “You forget who you’re talking to. If something goes awry, I’ll figure out a way to deal with it. It’s how I work.”

But Youri shakes their head, mumbling, “You can’t know, Darwyn. You…”

“You’re right, I can’t,” Darwyn acquiesces and takes another step towards Youri, the other arm moving up to Youri’s, embracing them. It’s meant to reassure Youri, yet this newfound liberty to express the sentiment with touch is new to Darwyn. She’s grateful it has the same effect on herself. “But neither can you. There’s a good chance everything will run smoothly, especially since I’m in command.”

Her lips show signs of an involuntary grin, but if Youri has something to say about it, they choose not to, “They promoted you?” They ask, eyes wide with shock.

“Well, not exactly,” Darwyn admits. “It was a vote. People believed I was fit enough to do it. And it’s about damn time that they recognize it, too – think about it, if I prove myself to excel at this level of leadership, I could—”

“I know,” Youri interrupts, eyebrows drawn together into a frown. “And you deserve the position, you really do. You know I mean that.”

Despite herself, Darwyn asks, “then what’s the problem?”

“It’s…” they take a deep breath and look up to meet her eyes in earnest, a fiery green on a vibrant blue. They swallow past the sudden lump in their throat, so their voice is loud and clear for Darwyn to listen to, “I don’t want to lose somebody I care about for something so unnecessarily risky and dangerous. Not again.”

“You won’t,” Darwyn promises, not losing a second to doubt. “I am going to come back. You can be sure of that.”

Now, Darwyn has not a lot of experience when it comes to falling in love – if someone ever asked her about it, she’d always tell about the irrelevance of romance when it comes to fighting a war, that there are more important things at stake than finding someone to spend the rest of your days with. Other arrangements for the purpose of sexual satisfaction never interested Darwyn, either. She is no one to judge people by their needs, or how they venture out to fulfill them. It isn’t her business, after all.

Her business, however, is whatever has been going on with Youri ever since they had that heart-to-heart all those months ago. It has been a hard journey from where she was then and where she is, now – and it’s with Youri’s help that Darwyn has opened up little by little.

It’s in the way Youri feels every emotion intensely, but never thinks of hiding themselves beneath them. It’s in the way they are always backing her up when things get rough, but don’t mince matters whenever Darwyn gets swept away by her idealism.

Somehow, it’s in the way their breath catches in their throat when Darwyn’s hands settle on their face, cupping their cheeks, but Youri does not pull away or tries to keep a distance. And Darwyn knows that there more important things at stake; yet, in the here and now, Youri looks up at her with expectant eyes and a single moment in time has never felt this significant.

By no means is a woman like Darwyn speechless. Words are what come easy to her, eloquence a skill she values even above her charisma. It’s funny how every thought about Youri dies on her lips before she can give voice to it – every word of gratitude, every murmur of affection, every declaration of love.

To hell with eloquence, is Darwyn’s last thought. Her mind’s swept clean as she leans down at last, connecting their lips in one swift motion that has their eyes fall closed and sigh in content. It doesn’t last long, and before she knows it, Youri pulls back and readjusts them, and oh, wow – the change of angle really does it all.

Technique isn’t something Darwyn concerns herself with – but she’s glad that Youri does. Passion, love and enthusiasm finally unload in one kiss long overdue and this time, they don’t rush for it to be over soon. Youri holds onto Darwyn’s shirt and _pulls_ her even closer, and both just know that this is what they are meant to be doing together.

Once they do part, it’s mere centimeters their mouths are apart. With eyes closed still, their foreheads rest against each other and Darwyn whispers, voice so full of love, “I am going to come back to you.

 

“I promise.”


End file.
